


A Date with Bats

by LastWill



Series: LastWill's Batjokes [1]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series
Genre: Awkward Dates, Batjokes, Crime Busting, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:55:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21722581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LastWill/pseuds/LastWill
Summary: The Joker is roaming Gotham and Batman cannot allow him to go free. Batman believes the best way to tame the madman's violence is to comply with Joker's disturbing demands- a date.
Relationships: Joker (DCU)/Bruce Wayne
Series: LastWill's Batjokes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1571359
Comments: 16
Kudos: 210





	A Date with Bats

“Do you ever get lonely, Batman?”

The Joker was dancing lightly around the room, seemingly unconcerned with his captor struggling against his bonds in the chair.

“Are you lonely, Joker?” Batman replied.

“Oh, don’t do that, I expect that sort of circular talk from the bigwigs at Arkham, but not you,” Joker scoffed, a flash of real anger behind his eyes. “I was being...sincere,” he said pausing to find the right word. “Sociable,” he said, spinning in place. “Not psycho- psychoanalytical,” he stammered as he swayed, dancing with an imaginary partner.

“This is not how people socialize,” Batman said stocialy, twisting in his seat. “You should listen more to your doctors.”

Joker was now standing in front of Batman and the dance seemed to have gone out of him, he would be staring down at his feet if Batman wasn’t so close.

“We’re not typical people, we don’t spend our evenings the same way they do, do we? I mean...just look at you,” The Joker mused. "You're a freak!"

He let out a disturbing bout of laughter which Batman was careful not to react to. He then bent over and Batman was able to see that disturbing, maniacal grin in horrifying detail.

“You’re sick, Joker,” Batman told him, meaning every word. The smile dropped.

“ _We’re_ sick,” Joker spat angrily. “And why shouldn’t we be? We understand what’s out there-”

“-There is no ‘we’,” Batman interrupted.

The Joker licked his reddened lips and ran his gaze over Batman’s face, something off in his expression caused Bruce to lean back slightly.

“Are you lonely, Batman?” The Joker asked once more, one of his eyebrows twitched upwards. 

Before he could reply the Joker pressed his fingertips on either side of Batman’s face and kissed his lips. The kiss was brief, and when the Joker pulled away his eyes were half-hooded and he was smirking from their contact. 

Batman stomach roiled. He had known the Joker was _unstable_ , but he hadn't explored this strange avenue with him before.

Joker's dazed look melted and turned into him searching Batman's face, then with alarming swiftness he straddled Batman’s lap. 

“I know what you’re thinking, ‘he’s going soft’,” The Joker sang, they were uncomfortably close, their noses almost touching. “And maybe-”

Batman saw past Joker’s shoulder that the door had opened, one of Joker’s brutes stepped through the doorway.

“Hey boss-“ The man started, then stopped, unable to hide the look of morbid curiosity at finding Joker cuddling with Batman.

The Joker wrapped his legs around Batman’s middle, leaned back and pulled a gun out of his coat- he then took aim, upside down, with his arm stretched as long as it could go.

“Wait-!” Batman shouted.

The henchman threw his hands up in vain, there was a loud bang and Batman caught a glimpse of the blood spraying from the outstretched, begging palms while the man dropped to the ground.

“So rude,” The Joker huffed. He did some sort of awkward sit-up and was back to sitting in Batman’s lap, his legs no longer gripping him and the chair. “Doesn’t anybody knock anymore?”

Batman’s jaw clenched as the insane laughter rang even higher in his ears than the gunblast. The Joker slipped his arms around his shoulders, the gun was still dangling lazily in his hand.

“As I was saying, maybe I’m going soft,” The Joker sighed.

The henchman was gargling, the bullet had gone through his throat and the dirty linoleum was becoming smeared with blood. Bruce knew the man would be dead in less than a minute if he did receive help. 

"Joker, that man is bleeding out," Batman informed him. "If you put pressure on the wound-"

Joker twisted in Batman's lap and shot four more times, the bullets hitting the hired thug haphazardly. Batman clenched his teeth as Joker turned back to him and sniffed.

"Bats, I don't think he's gonna make it," Joker said sorrowfully. Batman glowered when yet -another- string of insane laughter bellowed out of the man.

"Is death the only thing that amuses your twisted mind," Batman hissed.

“You wound me! I’m human, a complicated, multifaceted man,” Joker sighed dramatically to an audience of one. “I recognize the _need_ for companionship...we should be more than just rivals, don’t you think? Let’s make a go together. Let’s date.”

“The only place I’m bringing you is back to Arkham Asylum,” Batman said. He paused. “You murdered that man in cold blood.”

“He’s not worth your compassion, believe me I know, I conducted his interview,” The Joker said dismissively. He smiled and turned the Batman’s head towards him using the gun-barrel. “Now, what were you saying about my eyes…?”

“You’re not my type,” Batman said dryly.

“Yes, I am,” The Joker hissed quietly through clenched teeth. “We’re each other’s type, aren’t you listening-?”

A gasp interrupted them, and Batman shifted to see a different henchmen go pale at the grisly scene at his feet.

“Knooooooock!” Joker sang angrily, waving his gun in the air. 

The henchmen knocked nervously and unceasingly as Joker pushed off Batman’s lap and shuffled to his feet.

“These kids and their manners,” Joker scoffed at Batman and shook his head with a smirk. He turned in place and scratched an itch on his head with the gunbarrel, the henchman stared, his knocks against the door not faltering. “Well? What is it?” Joker snapped at his henchman. 

“The police- on the scanners- they’re patrolling downtown, we gotta move,” The henchmen said, his eyes jumping from Joker’s gun to his dead colleague. “Oh geez, is that Gary?”

The Joker leaned heavily on his hip and sighed, tapping the gun against his leg. 

“Alright, ready the car,” Joker resigned, ignoring his henchman’s distress. 

It didn’t take much to push the henchman to action, he tore away from the room looking sick as he hurried down the hall.

Joker seemed momentarily lost in his thoughts as he continued to tap the gun against his leg. He finally looked over his shoulder at Batman and shrugged. “Normally I’d try to kill you or something, but I realize that could damper our weekend plans, so I’ll just leave you here with Gary.”

“I appreciate the civility,” Batman said stiffly.

“Let’s meet in the Theater district on Friday... pick me up at 8?” The Joker said. 

“You can count on it,” Batman replied.

“I don’t care what we do as long as we do it together,” Joker said.

“I have a few ideas,” Batman said.

“Great,” Joker said, smiling broadly. He winked at Batman and stepped over the bloody body like one would step over a sleeping animal. “See you later, lover,” he said in a strange, soft voice- it sounded to Bruce like an emulation of some old Hollywood starlet.

“See you soon,” Batman growled.

* * *

“Are you sick, Master Bruce?” Alfred asked as he watched Bruce rub a swab over his lips.

“I don’t know yet,” Bruce admitted. 

Alfred had a hearty plate of roast chicken and vegetables balanced on a tray, and he had walked swiftly down many stairs into the bat-cave to deliver it hot. Finding Bruce absorbed in running a cotton swab through his mouth was not ideal, and Alfred watched Bruce place the swab in a test tube carefully. 

The cowl was laid near the computer console, Alfred lifted it and placed the tray of food in its place.

“Joker kissed me, I want to make sure he isn’t passing me something,” Bruce explained as he moved the test tube to the computer for analysis. 

“How ghastly,” Alfred grunted. “I don't suppose his last stint in Arkham Asylum has done him much good.”

“He’s getting worse, whatever’s ailing him is evolving into a more unhealthy fixation on me,” Batman remarked, looking at the computer.

If an infection had been passed to him then it was something unknown, the computer analysis came back normal, the only forigen substance was red face paint. That was a bit of relief.

“He wants me to take him on a date Friday night,” Bruce said.

“Then may I suggest Commissioner Gordan as a chaperone?” Alfred remarked.

“The Joker isn’t stupid, he may be counting on me bringing a fleet of Gotham’s finest to the randevouz point,” Bruce said without looking at Alfred.

“Surely you’re not going alone?” Alfred said, disapproval in his tone.

“It’ll be easier that way,” Bruce replied.

“Forgive me for being candid, but is that wise? The last time you went after him alone it was he who let you go,” Alfred replied. 

“The last time I wasn’t prepared,” Bruce remarked. He was now pouring over the Arkham files, some were dated as early as last month. “I have a hunch."

"A hunch, sir?" Alfred said.

"I've never known the Joker to be romantic, but if that’s what’s driving him I could use it to my advantage," Bruce said. "He wants me to play his game, he's so absorbed playing it himself that I’m betting he'll lose himself in it.”

“I’ll put a spritz of cologne on your finest, ironed cape then,” Alfred murmured.

A corner of Bruce’s mouth flickered. 

“Are you really going to entertain that madman’s fantasies?” Alfred drawled.

“I don’t think it’s possible,” Batman replied. “But I can try.”

Alfred lifted the cover on the plate of food and arranged the silverware tidily, he had lost his appetite but he hoped Master Bruce hadn’t.

* * *

Friday Night. 

The theater district was usually packed on Fridays, that made Batman nervous for obvious reasons. Tonight was no exception, there was a slew of new movies being shown at the cinema, there was a lot of foot-traffic which may have been why the Joker chose that spot.

The crowd was indeed heavy as Batman double parked on the street. There were excited and frightened screams escaping people as they witnessed the Batman jump out of his Batmobile to meet up with an eerie, pale clown.

“Batman’s here-!” Someone in the crowd gasped.

“Oh thank god,” a woman wailed, her eyes flickering to Joker.

“Hey, it’s Batman-“

“No shit, he’s real?” 

“Fuck yeah, check out those wheels!”

“Knock Joker’s teeth out, Batman!”

The Joker had a way of clearing a room, his violent reputation made even the bravest blanche- but the crowd was feeling brave as Batman approached.

The Joker was smiling, he held his hands behind his back and he was leaning forward heavily as if in a half-bow, Batman scanned the block and felt annoyed- people were pulling out their phones and more interested in capturing the moment than minding their safety. He wasn’t comfortable with how public everything was.

“Hello Darling, you look ravishing as always,” Joker said in a cheesy transatlantic accent.

Batman stepped carefully toward him ready for any aggressive attack, instead the Joker yanked his hand in front of his face and looked at an aged time-piece. 

“8 o’clock, and not a minute too soon,” The Joker said. “This is for you.”

Joker shifted and pulled a bright red boutonniere from his sleeve, one that matched his pink one. Batman didn’t trust it. He quickly scanned the flower with his computer- and saw it was nothing but organic matter- nothing but a flower.

The crowd’s shouts of support silenced as The Joker pinned the boutonniere high on the collar of Batman’s cape. It was a confusing sight for Gothamites.

“Time to go,” Batman said stepping aside to reveal the empty passenger seat.

“And where are we going?” The Joker asked him. 

“Everywhere. Tonight you’re patrolling with me,” Batman replied.

“You’re working on our date?” Joker huffed.

“I work every night,” Batman replied. Joker’s expression soured slightly. “You said you didn’t mind what we did as long as we did it together,” Batman reminded him.

“Mmmm, I suppose,” Joker replied evenly. “No rest for the wicked.”

There was confused cheering of support and a few people still trying to urge Batman to punch his date as they both entered the Batmobile. Somehow Batman knew the atypical scene would get back to the tabloids. He tried not to dwell on it.

As soon as the doors were closed Joker planted his wingtips on the dashboard, and Batman promptly swiped them off. Joker was about to say something but stopped when Batman reached across and pulled his seatbelt over him, snapping the harness in place.

“How sweet, you don’t want me to get hurt,” Joker said, as Batman began to drive. “Makes me question all those times you punched me in the face.”

“Don’t do anything to provoke me and I won’t hurt you,” Batman said.

“I _must_ get that knit into a pillow,” Joker teased. He settled into his seat and began to study the buttons and switches. “Do you ever ride with the top down in this thing? What model car is this anyway? Crusader? I think it should be called a Crusader.”

“It’s the Batmobile,” Batman replied.

“The ‘Batmobile’?” Joker scoffed. It turned into a playful smile that Batman didn’t like. “Can I ask you something? ...Why bats? Did you have one as a beloved family pet? Or maybe one saved the family farm? Taught you to love…?”

“You wouldn’t understand,” Batman replied. 

“That’s what dating is all about, understanding one another,” The Joker said, pulling against his seatbelt as he twisted toward him. “Oof, I can’t wait to get under that cape and-“ his sharp elbow jammed into the middle council and he flipped a switch. “Oopsie-!”

Batman had disabled all weaponry but he hadn’t thought to disable the high-beams- the light blinded traffic from the other side; a taxicab halted mid-way through a green-light, horns honked and tires screeched. The Joker’s laugh climbed in pitch as Batman weaved through the mess he’d made.

“Hey, this is fun! I enjoy patrolling with you!” Joker said.

“Don’t touch anything or I’ll drive you straight ‘home’,” Batman said, disabling all middle-console buttons.

“Fine, but before you get bossy, tell me which one’s your lighter,” Joker said, popping an unlit cigarette in his mouth as his eyes roamed hungrily over the front console.

“No smoking in the Batmobile,” Batman said.

“No smoking in the Batmobile,” Joker repeated sternly. He laughed loudly. “No smoking in the Batmobile, you’ll ruin the bat-leather.”

_Mugging on Flora Street, East Park side, suspects last seen fleeing towards Trillium Park-_ the radio dispatcher said.

Joker’s eyebrows shot up as the Batmobile roared louder and they were pressed against their seats.

“A mugging?” Joker said incredulously. “The Crusader can't cost less than a few million, is saving little old ladies from muggings what's paying for diesel in this thing?”

“Muggings sometimes escalate,” Batman murmured.

“Why don’t we skip the mugging and escalate things ourselves?” Joker said smoothly.

He ran a single finger down his arm and Batman recoiled at the light gesture, causing Joker to chuckle.

“My, you’re awfully jumpy,” Joker remarked, basking in Batman’s discomfort. “Do I make you nervous? ...Is it because you _care_?”

“What is it you want me to say,” Batman replied stoically.

“Whatever’s lulling around between those two pointed ears,” Joker drawled. “Everyone these days is a self-involved idiot, they just can’t wait to tell you how they see things, what they’re doing, what they know- little Braxton is starting Kindergarten today! Check out these gym selfies! Vacay in Thailand, so humble, hashtag blessed, hashtag spiritual awakening, hashtag feckless attempt at depth,” The Joker mocked. “But you, you don’t partake in any of that, do you?”

“No,” Batman replied, keeping his eyes on the road. He didn’t really have to drive, the Batmobile could steer itself, but watching the road felt more comfortable than witnessing Joker’s unceasing attention.

“No,” Joker replied with a scoff. “Just ‘no’. Brevity is the soul of wit, but you could afford to be a little witless like the rest of them. Maybe by the end of the night I’ll have you shouting full sentences, or just my name will do...”

“You speak enough for the both of us,” Batman said.

“Hey, you know what would please me?” Joker sang playfully. He paused and refused to continue his thought until Batman was looking at him. “It would be swell if you vocalized one internal thought, one personal opinion during this date.”

“Pass,” Batman replied.

“Ugh, don’t be like that!” Joker groaned. Batman’s gaze switched to him and then to the road. “I knew this was going to be like pulling teeth, and believe me, I know,” Joker remarked. Batman’s observed a flicker of dangerous humor behind the Joker’s eyes. “Come on, you have to have one internal thought about this date, or maybe one about me, just one stance that can’t be summed up in a one-word response.”

“No,” Batman replied.

“Are you trying to be funny!” The Joker raged. Batman turned to him sharply and the Joker smiled, holding his hands up meekly. “I’m sorry, I’m just getting fatigued carrying this conversation, I’m starting to feel like I’m speaking to a wall, it’s making me a little agitated,” he giggled. 

“If I tell you what I think, will you calm down?” Batman asked.

The Joker rolled his shoulder coyly. “I’ll try, really I will,” he said. 

“...There is precisely one thing about you I appreciate, and only one,” Batman admitted. 

“Oh. That's big! Oo, what is it?” Joker asked eagerly.

“You genuinely don’t care about uncovering my personal identity,” Batman replied.

The Joker leaned back in his seat.

“That’s because you’re Batman,” he said, his disappointment apparent. 

“Yes, you seem to be one of the few who understands that,” Batman replied.

At this comment the Joker’s expression brightened. Batman looked away after the Joker pursed his lips together flirtatiously and kissed the air and winked.

Batman chose to ignore it. They had just arrived at Trillium Park, and within their sights were the darken figures of five teenagers sitting on a picnic table.

“Gray handkerchiefs,” Batman announced, adjusting the night vision in cowl. “They’re members of the Iron Boys.”

“The Iron Boys? As a gang they barely rate- I wouldn’t trust them to ransom a chihuahua,” The Joker said. “I have an idea, let’s sweep Penguin’s territory, I’m in the mood for a Shakespearean finger-wagging.”

“I’m going in,” Batman said, the roof of the Batmobile slid back and the night air hit them. “Can I count on you to be my back-up?”

“Bats, if you had palsy you wouldn’t need back-up against these losers,” Joker scoffed. “I’ll show you how it’s done- I’ll rough them up for you, then you can clean house.”

“Hm, that may work,” Batman said.

“Yes!” Joker laughed. “So, what tactical goodies do you have for me?”

“They’re teenagers, just talk to them,” Batman said. 

“You’re not going to give me a bat-gun or bat-knife, or a... bat-bat?” Joker frowned.

“No, you get nothing,” Batman said. 

“What is the point of putting on my seatbelt but leaving me defenseless to a gang of street-youths?” Joker said, wrapping his arms tightly around his middle.

“You’re not defenseless,” Batman said. “And you seemed very confident against those street youths a few minutes ago.”

"That was before I knew you wouldn't share! You have so many toys, at least give me something like a flashlight that causes seizures," Joker pleaded.

"Nothing, and if you ask again I'll lock you in the Batmobile, _with cuffs_ ," Batman threatened.

"Can I have the cuffs?" Joker asked hopefully. Batman frowned. "Alright, nothing, Jesus Christ!" he growled. “I don’t need anything- but I wanted something fun- fun things for a date-!” he mumbled angrily.

Batman hung back and out of sight as the Joker crossed the lawn. The Iron Boys gang were notoriously cocky, but even they didn’t know what to make of the moody clown stomping towards them. Batman saw the relaxed, jovial group quiet.

“You're going to want to give that purse back or my boyfriend will beat you up,” Joker announced loudly.

"And who the fuck are you supposed to be, Fruitcake the Clown?” One of the kids spat, swinging his legs. His friends laughed and he laughed with them.

“Goddamn it, isn’t anyone from Gotham anymore? How the hell could you not know I’m the Joker? I’m a local legend!” Joker said, putting a cigarette in his mouth. “Gotta light? The boyfriend didn’t have one, too straight-edge.”

“I’ll light you up, Bozo,” One of the kids sneered. He flicked a switchblade in Joker’s face while his friends cheered.

The Joker removed the cigarette from his lips with a snarl.

“How? How the _hell_ could you know ‘Bozo the Clown’ but not me- he’s been off the air for nearly twenty years and you can’t be older than fifteen!” Joker raged. “I’ve been on the cover of TIME twice! Haven’t you seen my picture on a coffee table? In a blog? I killed nearly fifty people last year!”

“...Cut the tip of his nose off, make it red,” the lone girl of the group snarled.

“What’s your name, kid?” Joker snapped at the boy brandishing the knife.

“...Jimmy,” The kid replied hesitantly.

“Ok, Jimmy, follow my lead,” Joker sighed grimly. The shared mirth from the group dulled as Joker lifted his hands up and trotted towards the knife. He cleared his throat loudly. “Help! Help! Someone save me! Won’t someone save me!” He squealed in a Southern accent.

“Jimmy...cut ‘em,” one of the kids urged with a frown.

“I- I don’t know-“ Jimmy stammered. “I think I’ve heard of the Joker-”

“Oh, please hurry! He’s touching my penis,” Joker shouted loudly.

“No I’m not!” Jimmy shouted, voice high-pitched with indignation as he jumped to his feet and backed away. 

“It’s really traumatic, you’ll want to hurry- I’m being sexually assaulted-!” Joker bellowed, dropping the Southern belle accent in frustration.

“This guy’s a total faggy freak!” One of the kids grimaced.

“I don’t know who’s fucking this up worse, Jimmy, you or my boyfriend,” Joker scowled, snapping his arms to his sides in anger. “And it’s 2019, you can just call me a freak. Kids these days!”

“Here, take the purse,” the girl said throwing it to him.

“No- I don’t care about the purse- pick it up- _where are you going_?” The Joker squealed in a rage. “You _suck_ , you all suck!” Joker yelled as they sprinted away from him. “ YOU BETTER BECOME A DOCTOR, JIMMY, BECAUSE YOUR NAME IS MUD- I’LL MAKE SURE YOU’LL NEVER HIT THE BIG TIME IN THE CRIME SYNDICATE, YOU HEAR ME?”

Batman stepped into the light and picked up the purse.

“Finally!” Joker snapped. “What took you so long? I got sexually assaulted, and he called me slur, so it was also a hate crime.”

“You were never touched,” Batman replied sweeping past him.

“No thanks to you,” Joker replied moodily. “ _Bozo_! Can you believe that?”

“I heard,” Batman replied.

“I’m glad you brought us here- clearly I’m not hitting all the demographics, those kids didn’t know a damn thing about me…. Do you think I should release a rap album, get a grill, some tattoos?” Joker said. “No, at my age that’d be desperate. Kids are stupid, but even they can smell a corporate shill.”

“Are you ready?” Batman asked him.

“Yes,” Joker sighed. “What’s next? Is Muffin stuck in a tree?”

“I go where I’m needed most,” Batman said cryptically as he opened the doors to the car. They both climbed into it and the doors shut. “Put your seatbelt on,” he said as they began to pull away.

“I like it when you do it,” Joker replied with a smile.

Unwilling to argue, Batman reached over him and snapped it on in one fluid motion. The Joker giggled and squirmed.

“Do you just roam the streets, waiting for what the woman on the radio tells you to do?” Joker asked.

“Sometimes,” Batman replied. 

Batman let the comment linger as the chatter from the dispatcher prattled on, Gotham’s police responding back. The Joker was rooting through the purse now they had commandeered, and he uncapped a small vial of perfume. He sniffed it and put the cap back on.

“Stop your ego-mobile!” Joker said, looking out the window. “Back up! Quickly!”

Batman did as he said and searched for what could possibly have caught Joker’s attention. 

“Roll down the window, take off the child’s lock-!” Joker hissed, pressing random buttons in irritation.

Batman didn’t give control back to Joker’s side, but he did open the windows. Speed-walking down the sidewalk with purpose was the hunched figure of none other than the Riddler. He spotted the Batmobile and rushed to its side.

“Batman, I haven’t missed...” Nigma stopped mid-thought. “Joker?”

“Surprise!” Joker shouted, laughing insanely.

“Tough break... I guess you’re headed back to Arkham,” Eddie said, peering into the Batmobile. He was clearly more interested in the cab then what Joker was doing there.

“Back to Arkham, noooo, you’ve got it all wrong,” Joker cooed. “I’m on a date. Batman and I are having a magical evening, he just saved me from a group of sex-crazed hooligans, and now we’re on our way to Make-Out Point. I don’t usually give it up on the first date, but he’s been such a gentleman, I just know I won’t feel cheap.”

There was an awkward pause as the Riddler processed this crazy claim. Batman could hear the mounting frustrations of the drivers behind him as he was stopped in the middle of the road.

“Wow, that’s...really great,” Nigma said, clearly not convinced.

“How did you bust out of Arkham?” Joker asked. “You better start running.”

“No, no, I -uh- got parole,” Riddler said quickly. He looked at the middle counsel and smirked. “Are we still-?”

“You better get where you’re going,” Batman said sternly.

“Yes, Eddie, better trot home,” Joker smiled. “Enjoy your new straight-laced life, we must be going- taa-taa.”

“Nigma,” Batman called to him. “I’ll be watching.”

“Will you now?” Eddie said with a twisted grin. “Riddle me this, Batman, where does-”

“-Stop flirting with my boyfriend,” Joker snapped. The vial of perfume was back and in the Joker’s hands, he sprayed it in Riddler’s eyes and mouth, causing the man to choke in a panic.

The honking got louder and people were now stepping out of their cars.

“Hey, Batman!” Batman saw a taxi driver leaning out of his car window to yell. “You’re blockin’ traffic, and some of us gotta work for a living!”

Reluctantly Batman pulled away from the choking Eddie Nigma and began to drive.

“Ugh, this stuff is more sinister than my Joker-toxin,” Joker said, throwing the perfume out the window.

“Please leave her things alone,” Batman said, putting the windows up. "I want to drop it off at the GCPD undamaged."

“You’re giving this tacky thing back?” Joker scoffed. “That gang did her a favor ripping it from her arms.”

“Not your call to make,” Batman scolded him. He took it from Joker’s hands and tucked it behind his seat out of reach. 

“So…” Joker sighed after a pause. “Want to go to the mall and ask if they need two charasmatically dressed rent-a-cops? Or maybe we can scrape up some Girl Scouts who need help with a badge.”

“I thought you wanted to go to Make-Out Point,” Batman said.

“Cute,” Joker said dryly.

“You read my mind,” Batman said softly with the slightest of smiles.

Batman tried not to be too obvious observing Joker’s reaction. The Clown’s mouth went slack in astonishment, then he bolted upright in his seat and became rigid with nervous energy.

“My heart just fluttered in my chest,” Joker said smoothly. “I think it was struck by ...a bat-flirtation.”

“Then it didn’t miss its mark,” Batman hummed.

There was an unsettling hunger behind Joker’s eyes as he stared at Batman without blinking. 

“Are we there yet?” Joker asked, his tone heavy with lust.

“Almost,” Batman said.

He turned the Batmobile off the bridge and onto a scenic bank. A body of water separated them from the city, and while some may appreciate the view that certainly wasn’t what Joker was fixated on.

Joker lunged and Batman barely had time to catch him as he smashed their lips together- it was the most ridiculous ‘kiss’ Batman could imagine- no tenderness, tact or rhythm, just force. He pushed Joker away and held him tightly.

“Calm down, that felt like a headbutt,” Batman told him.

“You think we’re ready for that?” Joker asked, before laughing hysterically. “Sorry, it’s been a while. And it’s...you. And me. Us. How batty!”

“I know,” Batman replied. “Don’t get carried away.”

The Joker let out a shaky breath and began to kiss his face with more ‘stillness’.

“Mmm, this is what I’ve been looking forward to,” Joker purred. 

He kissed the exposed part of Batman’s cheek in a string of lazy kisses, his hands were roaming over Batman’s chest and waist, beginning slowly at first but then traveling around more frantically.

“Where’s the soft, warm bits?” Joker grumbled. “Can you even feel anything under there?”

“We’re just making-out,” Batman told him. “You don’t need to touch me, just kiss me.”

The Joker deflated a little and rolled his eyes. 

“You’re such a nervous nelly,” he sighed. “Not that I blame you- I really do a number on you, don’t I? But we can’t have fun if you don’t unwind a bit,” Joker said, prodding his armor. “Come on, Bats, you know I’m not going to slip a knife between your ribs.”

“It wouldn’t be the first time,” Batman replied.

“I want something more than your death, I want it badly,” Joker admitted. “And we shouldn’t leave here without you giving it to me- I mean- can’t you feel that heat, that dizzying inferno that’s blazing between us? You think I’d snuff it out?”

“Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?” Batman asked, Joker was kissing close to the corner of his mouth, his arms had now snaked around his neck and shoulders. 

“No, you dunce, I don’t want to end our game,” Joker scoffed against his face. “I know you’ve got a big tough-guy act to hide your fear, I understand, but we’ve come this far, let’s go a little further,” his hands were curled into Batman’s hips. “I can do this thing with my tongue-”

“ _Alarm tripped at Gotham City Museum-_ ” The female dispatcher said.

“No- come on-” Joker scowled. He had released Batman from his embrace and had taken to flipping random switches on the dash in a frenzy. “He’s busy with me, you cock-blocking harpy!”

Batman gently pushed the Joker back into his seat and started up the Batmobile. The anger and disappointment on Joker’s face was naked as they pulled away.

“I guess if we’re not going to have sex then there needs to be some action on this date,” Joker sulked.

“You’re staying in the car,” Batman informed him.

“Do you have bats in your brain?” Joker scowled. “If you bring up leaving me behind again I'll make you regret it.”

“I can’t trust you not to fall back on bad habits,” Batman said.

“Did I grab the wheel to swerve us onto oncoming traffic and maybe kill us in a tragic first-date fairytale? No. Did I rip out Jimmy's guts and feed his entrails to his stupid mouthy girlfriend? No," Joker pointed out. "Did I slip a nail file from that ugly purse into my sleeve to stab you in the throat later? Yes, but I'm not going to do it, I only think about doing it when I’ll need a sexual thrill-"

“Not good enough, Joker,” Batman interrupted. “Your ‘best behavior’ equates to violently disturbed at best, I can’t be worrying about that while working.”

“Too bad, Darling, the seatbelt’s off,” Joker said, unbuckling himself. Batman didn’t protest, he knew Joker had made up his mind and would do as he pleased.

“ _Shots fired- assailants believed to be part of Riddler's gang-_ ”

“He just couldn’t help himself,” Batman murmured.

“Oh my God! That bastard’s trying to steal my knight because he can’t take a joke! It was just perfume,” Joker glowered. “Ooo, I’ve got your back on this one, Bats, I’m your man, through and through and through,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows. 

“If Gotham Police spot you-“ Batman started.

“Gotham Police? Do you know who you’re speaking to?” Joker laughed. 

“No killing,” Batman snapped. “And don’t get in the way.”

“Pinkie-swear,” Joker said, holding up his clothed finger.

“It’s not a joke, if you make me regret this…” Batman trailed off. 

“I won’t cramp your style,” Joker said, a note of finality in his tone. “Seal the deal with a kiss?”

Batman hooked their pinkies wryly, the Joker burst out in laughter.

“You know something?” He said once he’d calmed. “You’re _funny_ ...when you want to be.” 

“Follow my lead,” Batman said pulling up to a nearby alley. “Keep up or I’ll leave you behind- and you won't want me to find you.”

Joker stifled a giggle, putting a finger to his lips.

* * *

Batman was relieved how little he needed to help Joker move up the side of the building. Something about his small frame seemed to suggest frailty, but he proved to be quick on his feet. Maybe it was his lack of fear, like a child climbing trees, that made him so swift. 

The Museum wasn’t heavily guarded, just a few thugs keeping the police at bay. Batman lowered the Joker first into the main room, then himself.

He made sure to walk from heel to toe to reduce the sound of his footsteps. The lights were on low, if Nigma was luring anyone inside he was keeping his surroundings dim.

“Stick close to-” Batman started. 

But he was only talking to himself. He had moved silently, but Joker was as quiet as a ghost, and he was no longer there.

* * *

The Egyptian exhibit.

In Arkham, Nigma had driven everyone mad by obsessively watching ‘how the pyramids were made’ shows on the travel channel and challenged anyone within fifty feet on their personal theories. It was here, in the ‘pyramid room’, that Joker had gone in first.

“Eddie! Come out, come out, wherever you arrrrre,” Joker sang as he turned on the lights. “Riddle-me-diddle, where are yoooou?”

“Joker?” Riddler slinked out from his hiding spot. He was wearing his green bowler hat and green suit with question marks printed all over it, and in his hands was an “Egyptian staff” with a question mark on the end.

“There you are!” Joker said cheerfully. He pulled out a nail file from his sleeve. “Stay still, I’m gonna gut yah…”

“Whatever for?” Nigma asked, keeping his eyes glued to the nail file. “Where’s Batman?”

“I’ll tell you where he’s not, Make-Out Point!” Joker raged. “Batman was about to give me an Arkham Blackout Special when you threw your tantrum and made tonight all about you.” 

“That’s not fair, I had this museum trap planned for months,” Riddler scoffed. 

“And I was about to score,” Joker snapped.

“...Oh!” Riddler hummed. “I see. Ok, look, I’m a super genius, I can figure out how to get you laid and also outwit Batman so we’re both happy,” Riddler said. He pointed his staff to a pyramid cage in the middle of the room. “I’ll pretend I captured you, there’s no shame in it, I capture Batman all the time-”

“Sure you do,” Joker said dismissively. 

“-And then I’ll use my cleverness to manipulate him to join you in the cage,” Riddler continued. “I’ll dim the lights, maybe play some smooth jazz on the speakers,” here the Joker rolled his eyes. “and the two of you will become hot and bothered from being united in your misfortune.”

“That is the stupidest fucking plan I’ve ever heard,” Joker drawled.

“No- it’s proven psychology,” Riddler scoffed. “Being captured does things, sexy things, to people’s minds. Even Charlton Heston kissed that monkey-woman in Planet of the Apes after a stint; do you think he would have done that if he was walking freely in their prejudiced society? No.”

“You actually convinced Arkham’s Psyche board you were sane, huh,” Joker muttered. Nigma blustered under the comment. “I don’t like this plan, it stinks.”

“Well I don’t like a face-full of chemicals,” Riddler replied.

“That was ladies perfume, that’s what a woman smells like, you pathetic incel!” Joker snapped.

“Incel? You’re the involuntary celebate, that’s what this whole plan is about-” Riddler shot back.

“Riddler!” Batman’s voice rang outside the room.

The bickering stopped immediately and Joker pointed his finger to Riddler with meaning.

“Jazz is a big no, it’s golden oldies or bust- find some Paul Anka,” Joker said, sprinting in the cage and shutting the door behind him.

He had gotten into position at just the right moment. Joker ‘ooo’ed when Batman jump-rolled into the room only to pop up in an intimidating fighting stance. Perhaps it was most appealing because it was all very theatrical, including Riddler projecting his evil laugh from his diaphragm.

“Batman! So nice of you to join us!” Riddler chuckled. “As you can see...The Joker has fallen into my trap!” Nigma said proudly.

The fighting stance was broken as Batman straightened, then casually walked up to the cage. He placed two hands on the door and rattled it. 

“It’s true,” Batman said. “Good work.”

“Ok, write this down, I am very particular, I want a double cheeseburger deluxe, no pickles,” Riddler started. “And don’t just order it and take the pickles off, I hate that vinegar pickle juice taste and I will know-”

“-What- what the hell?” Joker snapped as Arkham personnel began to pour into the room. His confusion turned to rage as he saw Riddler’s apologetic shrug. “Oh...you…JUDAS ESCARIOT! You played me!”

“Riddle me this- who said he was going to Make-out Point with Batman!” Riddler snapped. “ANSWER: JUDAS!”

“Giving Batman the ol’ slap-and-tickle is not the same as being his dirty little secret-Robin!” Joker shot back.

“Riddle me this: what makes a Robin? Fighting side-by-side with him!” Riddler said incredulously, his voice an octave higher.

“Even if I was his partner tonight, you’re still the worst of us and this proves it, you green, plaid, turn-coat!” Joker said. “What did Dr. Leland promise you for this lame little production- what?”

“Friday night take-out for a month,” Riddler replied. “No hard feelings, I’ll give you my milkshake tonight if you promise not to retaliate.”

“That’s enough,” Batman said, cutting in. “Nigma, no gloating. Joker,” he smiled. “I had a lovely evening.”

“...Did you?” Joker asked. 

“It wasn’t all bad,” Batman admitted. “You have potential to reform, that was encouraging to see.”

“...What about the other parts,” Joker asked.

“Hmm…” Batman mused. “Don’t tell anyone, but I didn’t hate it.”

Joker’s smile grew and he laughed triumphantly.

“Love you, Bats,” he rasped. “Eddie, strawberry!”

Riddler shot Joker a thumbs-up and a smile.

* * *

“Joker was recaptured and not a single person was hurt. That’s a success,” Bruce said watching the Batcomputer.

“Quite the success, I’d say you’d earned your dinner,” Alfred said, laying it in front of Bruce. “I trust you did not dine-out with your date tonight?”

“No, we stuck to touring the city,” Bruce replied.

“So I saw,” Alfred asked. “I believe you made a ten minute stop in what is known as, ‘Make-Out Point, sir, if I’m not mistaken?”

“You’re not,” Bruce said, taking a mouthful of steak. Alfred waited until he was done chewing before raising an inquisitive eyebrow. “I had to think of somewhere to go, I’m just lucky Joker thought up something for me. Nigma wasn’t released from Arkham in time to make it to the rendezvous point, he was supposed to be at the Museum but arrived late.”

“I suppose driving slower around the block wasn’t an option,” Alfred replied.

“Joker was getting restless,” Bruce replied. “And that means he was getting more dangerous. I had to preoccupy him with something.

“Preoccupy him with a kiss,” Alfred said, a little too flatly for comfort.

“It was effective,” Bruce said. “Who knew he had such a soft spot for me?”

“Indeed, he strikes me as someone who wants to know all your soft spots,” Alfred hummed. “...I’ll fetch the mouth swabs.”


End file.
